How healing shows up

The idea of healing has shape shifted my entire life. Growing up attending a pentecostal church meant that my idea of healing revolved around grand gestures performed to restore physical ailments. The laying of hands to cast out the demons that inflicted suffering on the lives of believers, the falling, the running, the shouting, that indicated a release from whatever had been keeping people in a metaphorical vice. However, in a time where therapy has become the norm, where we can openly discuss our trauma and have discovered that there are things which can trigger us, healing has become a term more common in our everyday parlance. It looks like therapy sessions, it looks like journalling, it looks like self-help books, it looks like boundaries. What I didn’t expect healing to look like was a friend, more like sister now, who showed up and showed out for me, in a time of need.

As mentioned in my previous post, I had a miscarriage at the start of the year, and it was a moment in time that held complex emotions but also practical difficulties. My husband was abroad for work and I had my 3 year old son to think about. He is an active threenager with demands for play, snacks and cuddles. Whilst wholesome and enjoyable, in a time where you have been whiplashed by the joy of expectation turning to the pain of loss, your mind engagement is questionable to say the least. But in a moment that I would usually guard myself up in hyper-independence for fear that no one would show up, someone broke through, and said that you’re not going to go through this alone. From finding out what I needed to do to get time off of work, to taking care of my son, to ensuring I was well nourished, she did it all for me – without frustration or complaint. Despite it taking up her whole weekend, and her needing rest for the week ahead. She gave it all up. And I cried real tears, being so grateful to have found someone willing to make that sacrifice (even though she’d scream that it wasn’t a sacrifice at all).

Initially, it felt like a grand gesture coming from a friend turned family. But upon deeper reflection, her actions healed me and helped me transform a decision that I had made as a teenager. I made the decision that in life’s most transformational moments, you have to handle it on your own, because in a moment of teenage transformation, I was left alone. Looking back in my adult mind, I can rationalise that the actions of my caregiver were selfish in the choice to not support me – particularly as I was just a confused child. I don’t think I even realised I had made this decision. But my sister-friend’s choice to support me, gave me a sense of relief that didn’t feel proportional to what was happening. It felt like such a big deal to me and for her she said and did it like I shouldn’t even have to wonder whether she would be there or not. She was just going to be there. Believing that there are people out there who will support you in life’s most trying moments, is crucial to our mental well-being. Navigating things alone is not a badge of honour that we should continuously keep pinning to ourselves. We drive ourselves into pits of isolation and grief without believing there are people there. I use the word belief, because that’s what it takes. It’s one thing for people to be around and support you, but believing that people show up for you is an even greater mental step that is necessary.

What I am grateful for is the fact that this moment has opened my eyes to the vast moments of healing that happen in every day life. Today my son applauded me for turning his pyjama trousers the right way round after being inside out. Usually, I would just chuckle at his comment and action, but today I saw from his perspective that this was actually a big deal, and that as adults we give ourselves really hard times for not doing things, and don’t recognise the effort that can sometimes go into the simple and mundane tasks we must complete daily. Seeing the awe in the small things can be the thing that pushes us through the day, and applauding ourselves for this can be so worthwhile. Another moment of healing.

I’ll sign off here, but just remember that healing shows up in a plethora of ways. Don’t be afraid to find the healing.